Thinking of my father..

Tonight, at the weirdest moment as I was washing dishes. I have no idea why I was thinking of this particular thought but it occurred. I remember driving my father home while he was pretty much dying in the backseat. He was very ill from cancer and was have a very difficult time breathing. It was quite a difficult trip for me both emotionally and physically but I will never forget the talks I had with my father during his final days here.

I realize death can make a person that knows death is knocking to review ones life and wish they may had done something differently. I remember my father telling me he should of invested the money he had into my Internet Service Provider idea back in 1995-96. However, he felt back then it was not a good idea and declined to invest the money into me. Even though back then I attempted everything that is required to start up a company he did not want to invest anything at all. I remember back then feeling very excited about the idea and having enough knowledge to start things but I just could not gain him as a partner in my idea. Honestly, I was not upset at my father declining me back then because I felt he was correct and possibly to this day is still correct about declining me. I mean after all that was his nest egg he had stored away and I was asking for quite a big chunk of it which could of very well failed.

Aside from all the events surrounding that event, I really at that time in my life did not feel my father was even at all interested in the idea. I really did not even think he was considering it or even putting the idea at all in his head. However, to my surprise on the drive home while he was dying he sat there and said in a sad tone how he wish he would of given me the money to start the business back then. I could see it in his face he was upset and it really bothered him about turning me down. I was shocked when I heard him say this and thought.. Dad, it does not matter, if anything I did not really have all the knowledge I needed to really hit the ground running. I told him I would of fumbled so much I quite possibly could of failed the entire business and lost out instead of gained. In my head.. I thought I love this old guy even though he can be a real pain in the ass. You know, it may not seem much to many but to me that showed so much love for me just him thinking so much about that. I really told my dad it was not a big deal he did not loan me the money. I told him.. Possibly.. if he would of and even if I would of been successful things in my life now would of been much different. The people I have in my life now would probably not be there and I would of never been able to come to grips with what really matters in life. If anything possibly, I may of ignored my father if I would of took that route because success sometimes in material world can blind you to life and make you ignore people who are sick and dying.

Looking back.. I have to admit he was a tough old guy that could pretty much tackle anything. Even death, he showed great strength and fearless stance toward it.